Letters Home From the Academy by Liz Sharpe
by MW
Summary: A story told through Hercules, Iolaus, and Jason's letters home.


http://www.rtis.com/nat/user/chimera/legends.htm  
The Less Than Legendary Journeys  
  
  
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Letters Home From The Academy  
by Liz Sharpe  
  
  
  
It seems - and who so astonished as they?  
- that they had held back material facts; that  
they were guilty both of "suppressio veri" and  
"suggestio falsi" (well-known gods against whom  
they often offended); further, that they were  
malignant in their dispositions, untrustworthy in  
their characters, pernicious and revolutionary in  
their influences, abandoned to the devils of  
wilfulness, pride, and a most intolerable  
conceit.  
  
_Stalky & Company_, Rudyard Kipling (1897)  
  
  
To: Alcmene of Thebes, at The Farm  
  
Dear Mother,  
  
Headmaster Cheiron told us all write to our  
parents in case you heard about the barbarian  
invasion from some traveler and worried. We are  
okay. Only one of our barracks and two  
out-houses got torched. Luckily, none of us got  
skewered or incinerated because we were all down  
in the caverns looking for Iolaus when it  
happened.  
  
Oh yes, please tell Iolaus' family he is okay.  
He can't send a message now because of his  
bandages.  
  
I got to hang from a vine in one of the pit  
traps. It was neat. We never would have found  
Iolaus in the labyrinth if it hadn't been for the  
dragon. Cheiron got mad at Iolaus for going to  
fight a monster alone without telling anyone.  
Iolaus said he did tell him, but it was during  
ghidra attack on the Academy, so he probably didn't  
hear him.  
  
Did you know that if you throw olive oil on a  
ghidra, the olive oil will make a big fireball?  
The ghidra turned out to be flameproof, but the  
big practice hall wasn't. Neither were some of  
our clothes.  
  
Jason is going to look weird until his hair grows  
back.  
  
Cheiron is a fine teacher. Don't worry, he is a  
great warrior too. And, he is teaching Jason how  
to handle a chariot. But he only lets him take  
the reins out in the high meadow where there aren't  
any villagers around. Anyway, all we ever  
see up there are Bacchae.  
  
Lately, Cheiron has had to spend a lot of time  
supervising the work crews on the new barracks,  
so we are trying not to cause him any extra  
worry. Cheiron has lots of improvements planned  
on the new building. That's why they dug the  
cellar so deep, and it explains the special  
reinforced doors and all the iron bars and chains  
and stuff they're bringing in.  
  
Cheiron isn't crabby like some of the  
instructors. He didn't even swear when we had to  
tell him about the problem with the breechcloths.  
  
Oh. And guess what? We are learning about  
emergency medicine, too. When Lilith took a wild  
swing with her practice spear and impaled her own  
foot, we got to see how a tourniquet works.  
  
Also, Jason and Iolaus and I got pretty sick  
behind the barn. Cheiron said it probably was  
just because we drank too much of the leftover  
wine from the fertility festival. He said they  
made themselves blind that way with the liquor  
they swilled in the woods back home. I'm so glad  
he was exiled from his people and became our  
Headmaster.  
  
We will be back at the school as soon as the  
angry villagers relent, if Cheiron gets the  
galley fixed. It wasn't his fault about the  
shipwreck. The galley was hardly leaking at all  
when we set out after the pirates.  
  
Cheiron said that with a trireme that old you  
have to expect something to give way. That's  
probably why he can't get anybody to pay him any  
dinars for it. We think it's a super boat. He  
doesn't care if we get blood on it, and he said  
one day soon we can all swing from the rigging.  
  
We might get to ride back in the wagon. It gets  
pretty crowded when all the cadets try to pile on  
at the same time. Cheiron used to let us take  
turns playing in the cage on the back, until the  
Hestian virgins stopped and threw rotten fruit at  
us.  
  
This morning all of the other cadets were  
practising climbing up the cliffs and rappelling  
down. Headmaster Cheiron wouldn't let me because  
I might attract Hera, and Iolaus was afraid he  
would slip because of his bandages. So instead,  
Cheiron let us go hunting up in the badlands. It  
was great. You can still see some of the  
crucified skeletons from the barbarian  
encampment, up at the ruined temple.  
  
I have to go now. We have to send our message  
scrolls and still stop the berserker cultists  
from making their virgin sacrifice to Ares.  
  
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.  
  
Love,  
Hercules  
  
* * * * *  
  
To: Erythia of Thebes  
  
Dear Mom,  
  
Headmaster Cheiron is making us all write home,  
in case you heard about the barbarians and  
worried. I told him you'd only be worried if you  
heard from me, but he wouldn't listen. So don't  
have a heart attack when you get this. We are  
okay.  
  
I hope you can read my writing. It's tricky  
holding the stylus in my teeth, but I'm getting  
the hang of it. Cheiron said the healer said  
that if I'm good, they'll untie me from all these  
bandages by the end of the week. Cheiron must've  
been more worried than he let on, because that's  
the only time he's ever smiled at me.  
  
Anyway, just one of our barracks and two  
out-houses got torched in the raid. Luckily,  
none of the cadets or instructors got skewered or  
incinerated, because I had cleverly led them all  
down to the caverns when it happened.  
  
The others lost my trail and got turned around in  
the labyrinth. Hercules ended up hanging from a  
vine in one of the pit traps. But you know Herc.  
He wasn't afraid and later he said it was neat.  
  
You would be proud of me. I tracked the dragon  
all the way to his hoard. I was holding him at  
bay single-handed when the rest of the cadets  
finally showed up and barged in. That's what  
screwed up my timing. The burns are healing fine  
and the claw marks are long but not very deep.  
The cough from the fumes has pretty much gone  
away.  
  
Cheiron got mad at me for going to fight a  
monster alone without telling anyone. Well, I  
did tell him. But it was during the ghidra  
attack on the Academy, so he probably just didn't  
hear me.  
  
Hercules found out that if you throw olive oil on  
a ghidra, the ghidra doesn't care, but the olive  
oil will make a big fireball. It was very cool,  
except for the sparks. We saved all the  
buildings except the main practice hall. These  
other bruises are from when Hercules tackled me  
and rolled me around in the courtyard to put my  
clothes out. He forgets how strong he is. I can  
get a new vest, and it's only my left wrist and  
it didn't slow me down any in the maze.  
  
Jason looks pretty tough with no hair. He says  
he may keep that look, because the girls really  
go for it. I thought about trying it myself, but  
Hercules said don't you dare. I would've gone to  
find some shears right then, except I'm still  
working on the knots Cheiron tied in that last  
set of bandages. They're kind of special. So I  
guess I'll stay curly and blond for now.  
  
We'll be back at the school as soon as the angry  
villagers relent. If Cheiron gets the galley put  
back together. It wasn't his fault about the  
shipwreck. Jason just got over-excited and  
forgot he was holding the tiller when we spotted  
the pirates. It wouldn't have happened if their  
leader hadn't climbed up in the rigging topless.  
That woman had an incredible physique, anybody  
would've been startled. Anyway, I know Jason  
didn't mean to run over that smelly old fishing  
skiff. He did try to miss them, but then that  
shoal was in exactly the wrong place. The galley  
only broke into a few pieces, so Hercules grabbed  
one and we made it to shore before my bandages  
got totally waterlogged.  
  
Maybe Cheiron can ask Fiducious to come get us in  
the wagon. It's not very comfortable when all  
the cadets pile onto the load bed at once, but  
sometimes people throw food or coins at us  
through the bars. Myself, I'm not too proud to  
turn down free offerings from passing admirers.  
  
Just as long as Cheiron doesn't let Jason take  
the reins. Jase gets even more excited driving a  
team of horses than he does with the galley. You  
should see what was left of the haystacks, last  
time Jason was practising with the war chariot up  
in the meadow.  
  
This morning all of the cadets were drilling at  
scaling the rocks and sliding down ropes on the  
cliffs. Hercules didn't want me joining in  
because of the bandages, and Cheiron was still  
antsy over that thing with Herc and the stolen  
chalice and Hera and all. So I talked him into  
letting us go hunting. As usual, Herc had no  
clue where we were headed when I took the turn  
toward the badlands. He turned as green as grass  
when I showed him the crucified skeletons left  
over from the last time the barbarians camped  
out, up where the old temple used to be. That'll  
teach him to be such a mother hen.  
  
Oh, and you'll be happy to know that we're  
learning some basic field medicine, along with  
our other training. When that really annoying  
Amazon girl nailed herself in the foot with her  
practice spear, we got to see how a tourniquet  
works. Hey, she didn't have to take the safety  
padding off just because I dared her to. The  
instructors are always telling us how warriors  
have to have good judgment and keep their heads  
no matter what.  
  
Also, Jason and Herc blew chunks big time behind  
the barn when we went back there to sample the  
leftovers from the fertility festival. Centaur  
wine really packs a punch. I didn't get sick,  
but I'm not sure how I wound up back with the  
healer again. I thought I'd gotten most of the  
knots loose in the dressings, too, but when I  
woke up they were so tight I could hardly  
breathe. Cheiron said it was a miracle I'd been  
able to move at all. He added some extra  
bandages to be on the safe side. My head was  
hurting pretty bad, but the healer wouldn't let  
Cheiron put a tourniquet around my neck even  
though he promised it would make the pain go  
away.  
  
I have to finish now and get myself mobile again.  
We're headed into the local market to send our  
messages before the packtrain leaves, and then I  
bet we'll have to stop the berserker cultists  
from making their virgin sacrifice to Ares.  
Jason and I have got to do something about that  
real soon. This game of keeping the bloodthirsty  
priests off Herc whenever there's a disaster is  
getting old.  
  
I know Dad will throw this in the fire before you  
finish reading it, so I left some of the raunchy  
stuff in to piss him off.  
  
Don't be upset about anything. We are fine.  
I'll swing by the house and say hi next time I'm  
in the area,  
  
(your son) Iolaus  
  
* * * * *  
  
  
  
To: Ophistus, Steward, Royal Palace, Corinth  
  
Honored Ophistus,  
  
Headmaster Cheiron requested all the cadets to  
send word to their guardians, in case news of the  
most recent barbarian incursion reached you from  
some other source, and caused any disturbances.  
Please reassure anybody who needs to know. We're  
all fine.  
  
The damage to the facilities was minimal. Only  
one of our dormitories and two out-buildings were  
actually destroyed. Luckily, none of the cadets  
or staff were wounded. I was leading a search  
and rescue expedition composed of virtually the  
entire school down in the caverns, looking for  
Iolaus, when the barbarians passed through.  
  
Oh yes, and would you please arrange to contact  
Hercules' and Iolaus' mothers, and make sure they  
know their sons are okay? Iolaus is temporarily  
incapacitated, so Hercules is a nervous wreck.  
Cheiron told them to send their own messages, but  
it might be diplomatic to make sure the word gets  
through, if it can be arranged without an obvious  
fuss. Thank you.  
  
The expedition to the caves turned into quite an  
adventure, though it meant we missed the  
barbarians. Hercules was pulled off his feet by  
a strangler vine and swung out over a pit trap  
full of spikes. Here's my favorite quote of the  
week from him: "It was neat." Despite Hercules'  
persistence in the face of numerous deadly  
obstacles, we never would have found Iolaus in  
the labyrinth, if it hadn't been for the dragon  
Iolaus found first.  
  
I would never say this to his face because it  
would just encourage him. But I'll tell you in  
confidence: it was a very impressive sight when  
we charged around that last bend and saw Iolaus  
holding the dragon back somehow, all alone in the  
middle of the flames and fumes and bloodied  
treasure. It couldn't last, though. In the end,  
it took all of us to put the monster down. Even  
so, I'm not sure we would have triumphed, if  
Hercules hadn't seen Iolaus fall and gone totally  
berserk. That was an impressive sight, too. We  
had to leave without the treasure, since the  
tunnels were starting to collapse by then. Too  
bad, but at least the cave-in will deter future  
adventurers.  
  
Cheiron was understandably annoyed with Iolaus  
for going off alone like that without telling  
anyone. I was kind of annoyed myself. It sets a  
bad example for the other cadets. Plus, it took  
forever to get everybody patched up when we got  
back. And then we still had to deal with the  
mess the raiders had made while we were gone.  
  
When he woke up, Iolaus insisted that he did tell  
us, but it was during the ghidra attack earlier,  
so maybe we hadn't been listening. Just once, I'd  
like to be able to get away with a story like  
that.  
  
Oh, and speaking of the ghidra, my hair got a  
little singed, and then the barber must not have  
been listening when I asked him to just neaten it  
up. Don't be surprised next time you see me. I  
might keep it this short for a while. It's easy  
to take care of and a couple of people have said  
they liked it and all that. Some of the other  
guys are talking about shaving theirs too.  
  
You will have noticed from the direction on this  
scroll that we're not actually at the Academy  
right now. We're camped near a village a little  
way down the coast. Due to a couple of minor  
incidents with the townsfolk, Cheiron felt a  
temporary strategic absence would be wise, so we  
took the galley out on maneuvers. We plan to  
return when the townies have had time to settle  
down a little.  
  
Unfortunately, however, there's been a small  
problem with the galley. I may have to request a  
draft on the Exchequer, though the gods know the  
leaky old barge can't have been worth much. If  
he could've gotten a decent price, Cheiron would  
have unloaded it on some unsuspecting person long  
ago.  
  
Nevertheless, I was the one at the helm at the  
time, so I'll assume full responsibility for the  
wreck. I'm not sure exactly what happened. We  
were pursuing a xebec crammed with notorious  
pirates, when suddenly they hoisted some fell  
device into the rigging, and I was temporarily  
rendered blind. I recovered just in time to see  
that a fishing boat had blundered into our  
course. I put the tiller over immediately, which  
was when we found out about the shoal. And that  
was that. Don't be alarmed, everybody made it to  
shore safe and sound. Well, thanks to all his  
bandages, Iolaus swam even more like a stone than  
usual. He managed to swallow an amazing quantity  
of sea water before Hercules realized he'd have  
to use what was left of the bowsprit to keep them  
both afloat, even if it did mean paddling for the  
beach while hanging onto a huge pair of wooden  
tits for dear life where all the rest of us could  
see. Anyway, I say, good riddance to the worm-eaten  
piece of unseaworthy rubbish. Some day I'm  
going to have a much grander vessel all my own,  
with a proper crew of heros to sail her. Then we  
won't have to embarrass ourselves spending  
alternate shifts bailing and prying splinters out  
of our butts, when we should be faring forth on  
nobler endeavors.  
  
If Cheiron decides to have Fiducious come pick us  
up in the wagon, I hope he'll let me drive.  
Nobody else at the Academy can handle a team the  
way I do.  
  
Cheiron has even encouraged me to take the war  
chariot up to the high meadow now and then, to  
hone my skills. It was a pity about the  
villagers' haystacks last time. But I had to use  
something to help defend myself against those  
Bacchae. Even Hercules and Iolaus agreed that it  
was a clever ruse.  
  
This morning Cheiron had all the cadets out on  
the cliffs, with the seniors showing the new kids  
the how to climb a rockface and rappel down  
again. Hercules and Iolaus begged off the drill  
on some pretense. After a while I saw them  
headed for the woods with their hunting gear.  
They brought a nice buck with them when they came  
back. Hercules was pretty pale and subdued at  
dinner, though. He wouldn't talk about it, but  
at least neither of them seemed to be bleeding  
anywhere new. Iolaus looked pretty pleased with  
himself, though, so he probably managed to get  
them into some scrape, even though he's still  
pretty much a walking bundle of linen bindings.  
It's kind of amazing he can get around at all.  
Cheiron just looks at him and shakes his head.  
  
Oh, and we're learning some rudimentary field  
medicine, too. Do you remember that incredible  
spitfire Lilith, the Amazon girl I told you  
about? Well, she had a little accident during a  
training session with her spear, and her foot got  
cut pretty badly. I offered to give her a stick  
to bite on when they tightened the tourniquet,  
but she just yelled and punched me. I think I'm  
making progress. This time she hit me in the  
chest.  
  
I have a humble admission to make. Everything  
you told me about Centaur wine is true. After  
the last fertility festival, Hercules and Iolaus  
and I went out behind the barn to try some. It's  
not a happy memory. What I remember of it.  
Hercules doesn't have much of a head for liquor,  
so it wasn't long before he was annihilated all  
the way back to breakfast the day before. I was  
a little better but not much. Iolaus can usually  
handle a surprising amount, especially when you  
consider how small he is. But after the second  
amphora, he couldn't even sit up straight. It's  
probably a good thing we got so sick. If we hadn't  
gotten the poison out of our systems, I  
don't think we would have been able to crawl back  
to our bunks. Iolaus kept daring me to stand up,  
but I knew I'd fall off the ground if I let go.  
Next morning when we finally came to, we found  
out Iolaus was back in the healer's care again.  
I thought I'd heard him moving around after we  
got back, but I was too busy making my bed hold  
still to get a good look. I hope he's okay.  
Cheiron has forbidden him to move even one finger  
for a while. He says it's for his own good.  
  
Well, I'd better wind this up and get it sealed.  
We're going into the village now to try to catch  
the pack train before it sets out, and then we'll  
probably have to stop the berserker cultists from  
making their virgin sacrifice to Ares again. I  
wish Hercules would hurry up and get himself laid  
(if you will pardon the frank expression). This  
is getting to be a real nuisance.  
  
Again, please don't be alarmed about anything.  
We are fine.  
  
Fondest salutations,  
Jason  
  
  
end  
  
http://www.rtis.com/nat/user/chimera/legends.htm  
The Less Than Legendary Journeys 


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